A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND SABRINA SHORTCAKES

 The following was when I spoke to myself and replied to myself in the way my character would. Don't be alarmed. I am alright 😂😂😂

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND SABRINA

Basically a therapy session between me and my alter-ego

S: Sabastien (AKA: Me)

B: Sabrina (B meaning bitch)

Dialogue

B: So tell me what’s wrong pumpkin, why you gotta be so down lately?

S: I don’t quite know to be quite honest. It just seems as if everything’s going wrong.

B: HOW is everything going wrong?

S: I’ve been stressing.

B: Please give me the full story, because I am NOT about to ask you questions to try and drag it all out of you.

S: Well give me your headline question.

B: Babes, What the fuck is wrong with you!?

S: I HATE MYSELF! It’s as if I’m doing everything wrong because I try to be this good son to my mother who cares so much and I DO! But I’m almost in grade 10 heading towards an NSC that doesn’t benefit me for the future I want, I’m stressing because the present I’m in has NO FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES TO PURSUE, And I’m so fucking angry at my family because not only does nobody support me on my ideas and things that I want to pursue, but it’s as if they knock it down.  

B: Now Hun… I know that a'int all because you’ve been ranting about this for lifetimes. What REALLY is the issue that you are currently facing?

S: That’s the thing- I don’t know.

B: You do know- stop lying to me and yourself.

(moment of thought)

S: I guess it’s just that I look at everyone else and am jealous for what other people have. I lived a life filled with glamour and gold (that’s what the saying says), but it was all fake, an utter fantasy hosted by my dad for other people to look at HIM as if he’s the big one.

B: And how does that make you feel?

S: Well don’t you see it? FUCKING SHIT!

B: But now why do you wanna base yourself against your parents?

S: I’m not.

B: That life was your fathers. Not yours. And you still look back on it as if it was all you had.

S: Because I was given everything I wanted-

B: And now you’re not.

S: That makes me a brat, doesn’t it?

B: Not if you want that life back, and being your alter-ego I can conclude that that is not the case.

S: I feel like shit. I’ve not been eating. It’s as if I just want to die sometimes.

B: But you’re not going to do that.

S: I know. I still want to believe that there is something better that’s out there.

B: So why are you losing hope?

S: Because I look at everyone else and see what they have and find out how easy they got their start.

B: You’re looking at a 1 in a million person with wealthy parents. You don’t even know what it is you wanna do mis thaaaang.

S: I just feel like I'm not good enough for anything.

B: And that’s the reason you lost damn hope on everything before you. Because ya think that peoples opinions mean more to you than your own, especially your fathers.

S: I’ve always wanted him to be proud of me, even though I don’t like him. Even though he has never been there, it’s as if I’ve always wanted to have something for him to be proud of when he came back from wherever he went.

B: Performance based acceptance.

S: Feeling accepted from the people who mean most when complimented on your performance, looks or materialistic items that you possess.

B: That is the definition, doll.

S: I guess that’s how I feel.

B: You say you don’t care about what other people think about you, but then here you are.

S: I lie.

B: Why?

S: To not show weakness.

B: Why?

S: Because the second I let my guard down I get hurt.

B: Why?

S: Because I'm weak.

B: Why?

S: Are you going to continue to ask me why the whole time?

B: Why are you feeling these things? You say you’re not depressed-

S: Just numb. I cant feel anything for anyone because I don’t know how it feels for myself.

B: Just a hop back to the first question: Now how is everything going wrong?

S: Because it’s a me problem.

B: And it’ll continue to be a you problem until you fix it.

S: But life fucking sucks. I'm at a school I don’t want to be in and everything is just getting harder and harder and it feels like I'm constantly being FUCKING CHOKED THE WHOLE TIME.

B: Then breathe, Hun.

S: What you mean?

B: You’re not at the end yet.

S: It feels like it.

B: You can’t have everything you want. You know that. And we all have unlimited needs and wants but limited resources.

S: First point about business.

B: It is, and you talk about going to Harvard and all these schools but you CAN only get an NSC at this point.

S: But I don’t want that.

B: It’s not about what you want. It’s about what you need. And you need to get through grade 12 and you need some form of proof that you can go to a university.

S: But I want out of all of this. I want out of this life, this place, this country, everything!

B: Then start working on it.

S: How?

B: By getting on with yo school.

S: You sound like my mom.

B: There’s only one thing your mom a'int said to you.

S: And that is?

B: That even though life is hard right now. YOU control your own future and you make those life changing decisions. It don’t matter if yo dad in prison or yo mom in sickness or health. It’s you and your future.

S: I don’t want to go back to that school. I want to just enjoy my youth.

B: That’s the thing about adults, doll. They all gonna say that you need to enjoy your youth but I know its hard. I know you struggling to even be alive. You minimise your problems as a coping mechanism and even to the best people, put up a mask that shows someone with no weakness.

S: I almost died again.

B: I know. But you couldn’t.

S: I know.

B: And I’m glad you couldn’t.

S: It’s just the secret I’ve been holding from people.

B: Wanna tell me?

S: That I want to die but live at the same time. That I'm tired of them and myself, but want to help everyone too. I’m sinking. And it hurts to know that people are ok and I'm not. I’ve never been. My fingers even hurt and feel heavy as I write this. When can this moment finally be called the past, a dark era and when will the future come.

B: You gotta work and wait.

S: But where do I even start?

B: By fixing yo-self first.

S: I don’t know what to say anymore.

B: I know.

S: SO I guess this is the end of my conversation.

B: Good.

S: MY GOD IM SO BROKE (laughs)

B: it’ll all be your best story in the end, doll.

"It'll all be your best story in the end, doll."

-Sabrina Shortcakes-

©S.F Fernandes 2021